


Shattered

by gibbsandtonysbabe



Category: NCIS
Genre: Aftermath of Torture, Angst, Community: ncis_ficathon, Injury, M/M, Pain, Pre-Slash
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-11-13
Updated: 2013-11-13
Packaged: 2018-01-01 09:39:31
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,272
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1043310
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/gibbsandtonysbabe/pseuds/gibbsandtonysbabe
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Tony has been through hell and is shattered. Can He be brought back to the living or will he remain in his self imposed silence. His Dr. hopes that Jethro can help put him back together. Only time will tell.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Shattered

**Author's Note:**

  * For [rose_malmaison](https://archiveofourown.org/users/rose_malmaison/gifts).



> This was written for the LJ ficathon for rose_malmaison and her prompt - Specific prompt 1 : Tony/Gibbs; pre-slash/or slash; Tony is a wounded soldier and Gibbs is his nurse/doctor/therapist.
> 
> Many thanks to my most awesome and spectacular beta Amy! She is the absolute best!

Dr. Grant entered the Commander’s room hoping for a sign that he was ready to come out of his silence. He had made no eye contact or spoken to anyone that had entered his room since being brought out of his drug induced coma. 

 

In the beginning, he was concerned that there were undiscovered medical issues, which would not have been a surprise considering the Commander’s condition when admitted, but that was not the case. He was at a loss how to reach out to the young man.

 

They had lost him twice on the table and his chances in the beginning were slim. His injuries were so varied they had to do their own triage on which needed attention first. The medical team had been given scant details regarding the Commander’s injuries; he and two of his men had been captured and subsequently tortured. He was the only one who survived when the rest of his team managed a rescue.

 

How they managed to keep him alive until they reached medical attention is a miracle in and of its self. His back had been flayed open, the bottom of his feet burned severely, and he had been bound so tightly that he had four broken ribs. In addition, he had been strangled, impaled, had cylindrical burns over his chest and groin and in the end he had received several blows to the head rendering him unconscious.

 

According to the reports, he had never regained consciousness after initial medical treatment or aboard the carrier. When the trauma to his brain escalated, they opted to put him in the coma to aide in his brain’s healing so in turn it would allow the rest of his injuries a chance to heal without the hindrance of natural movement. It was definitely something the man’s back needed since it was being held together by sutures. 

 

Though he could fully understand the Commander going into a lock down mode, he also knew that his true healing could only begin when he chose to live. He recognized that the Commander was having a war with in himself, to survive or surrender. Only he knew what had happened in the dank hut he had been rescued from and considering two of his men died in that it, he could make an educated guess that he had had to watch.

 

Sighing he watched as the Commander continued to stare at the wall refusing to speak or make eye contact with him or anyone that entered his room. Dr. Grant tried to gauge any sort of reaction as he approached the Commander’s bed, keenly aware that he was still dangerous despite his weakened state.

 

“Commander DiNozzo, good morning. Your vitals look really good today. I am going to check your sutures and see how your wounds are healing.” Walking in measured slow steps, he saw no sign that his patient was even aware someone was speaking with him.

 

“Have you looked out your window this morning? I see that Nurse Liz opened your curtains and it is a beautiful day.” He continued to make small talk, trying to engage his patient as he looked over the healing wounds. “I saw your men leave earlier. They have been by every chance they get.” 

 

“I have been regaled with stories about you and have been told of some spectacular feats. Must admit that they spin a glorious tale and if they are true, you have done some amazing things. Your men sure think the world of you, been worried about you. Maybe next time you will surprise them and talk- doesn’t have to be much more than ‘Hey’ and that will ease their minds.”

 

Dr. Grant kept up his monologue not surprised that he was met with silence but he refused to give up on the Commander. He knew that they just had to find the key that would open the gates and then hope like hell that he could be put back together again.

 

NCISNCISNCISNCISNCISNCISNCISNCISNCISNCISNCISNCIS

 

“A Subway, John?”

 

“Gunny!” Dr. John Grants stood immediately to greet his friend. “Not up to your usual dives Jethro?”

 

Chuckling as he answered, “Bribes work better with coffee.”

 

Sheepishly looking up at his friend and former Marine buddy, Gunnery Sergeant Leroy Jethro Gibbs, “Maybe I just asked you to lunch?”

 

Snorting he tried to hide his grin. “Maybe, but being across from the hospital and the way your hair is standing on end I am going out on a limb and say that you have a problem.”

 

“That obvious.”

 

“Yep.”

 

“Got a tough case. Navy SEAL that has been through hell and back. Read what I could from his file and looked him up- gotta love Google sometimes. Real hero, unsung. Like someone else I know.” Giving a pointed look across at the man in front of him.

 

“But he is locked up so tight no one has been able to reach him. Tried three different therapists and they tried different things…but they gave up. He doesn’t talk and doesn’t move or acknowledge anything that is done to him. I know he is in there somewhere.”

 

Jethro nodded. “Injuries?”

 

“Tortured to within an inch of his life and I don’t know how he survived at all honestly. Lost two of his team and I’d bet my paycheck it was in front of him. I called for the autopsies. One of the men was raped brutally and to the best of the ME’s finding was impaled so deeply that he bled out internally which was the cause of his death. He sustained more injuries but that was his COD, the other had his throat slit after he was whipped, beaten, and suffered some type of electrocution.”

 

“Fuck. Where were they?”

 

“Sudan. Sent to take out a rebel base that was committing atrocities across the board. Everything from genocide, mutilation and rapes and anything or anyone that stood in their way was fair game. They were successful and on their way out of the area when they were caught up in a different civil unrest.”

 

“Not organized or part of the larger rebel factions but they wanted to make a name for themselves. Apparently, the Commander and his team came across a young girl being dragged into the bushes; they split up into two teams and had planned on circling in and taking out the rebels. The Commander and his two men were taken, the other four managed to elude them, thankfully.”

 

“Jethro, it took them one night to plan the rescue and execute it…one night. They came in and annihilated the rebels and rescued the Commander, taking him and their two fallen brothers out.”

 

“Jesus Christ.” Jethro rubbed his hands down his face. “Usually they like to play for a bit…taunt the captives, haven’t heard of anything like this.”

 

“I think you can help him.”

 

Jethro’s eyebrows rose. “Why would you think that?”

 

“You’ve been there and survived. The therapists before were good, but they haven’t lived it. You can reach him.”

 

“Think mighty highly of my skills. Hell I just talk to the men; I am a glorified candy stripper.”

 

John narrowed his eyes at the man before him. “You know better than that. You have a degree Gunny, which you worked damn hard for, and just because you choose to practice the way you do rather than an office does not negate the skills you have. I believe that is the very reason you are so good with the men.”

 

Jethro sighed and lowered his head. “You know why I chose to do what I do better than anyone John. Could have gone to NCIS after that Mike Franks offered me a job, but I couldn’t turn my back on the men that I had met after coming back. Never leave a man behind.”

 

“I know Gunny, you would have returned to Afghanistan had you not done that damage to your knee. But you have never left a man behind in all the years I have known you.” John looked at Jethro. “Would you please come take a look? Look at his files, his background and see what you think?”

 

Jethro took a deep breath as he rolled his neck taking in what he heard. “I’ll take a look.”

 

John sank back in his seat, relieved.

 

NCISNCISNCISNCISNCISNCISNCISNCISNCISNCISNCISNCISNCISNCIS

Jethro sat in John’s office reading over everything that he had regarding Commander Anthony D. DiNozzo. The man had quite the record as a SEAL and as a Cadet at Annapolis. There was nothing half assed about the man; he gave his all to everything he undertook. He was the epitome of a SEAL and he hoped to hell that he could help him.

 

Reading the long list of injuries, he could visualize everything that the young Commander endured. John was right- it was a wonder he survived at all. Looking over the dead SEALs’ autopsies sickened him. To think that the Commander had to watch the atrocities that were performed, it was no wonder he had no desire to join the living.

 

He had no idea how he was going to do this. Usually the men that he helped were vocal at least. Even if they were screaming obscenities and ranting at the world, they were interactive. That was something that he could react to, deal with. Silence…he needed to figure out how to get around that or use it to help the man. Standing up from the desk, he squared his shoulders. He was going to do what he always did…follow his gut. 

 

He made his way to the Commander’s room ready for the battle ahead. 

 

Knocking on the door, he announced himself. “Commander DiNozzo, I am Jethro Gibbs, one of Dr. Grant’s friends. He thought you might like some company.” He walked fully into the room spotting a chair in the far corner. “Let me grab this chair and we can get to know one another.”

 

Grabbing the chair, he turned to look at the Commander for the first time. From what he had read, he had lost a great deal of muscle mass. His eyes stayed glued to some point on the wall across the room and had given no notice that he was no longer alone in the room. 

 

But what Jethro saw were green eyes that were haunted and filled with pain and loss. That was something he could deal with. The Commander was simply not there yet, but that was ok, he would get him there.

 

“My name is Leroy Jethro Gibbs, don’t much like the name Leroy, so you can call me Gibbs or Jethro. I am a Marine, a Gunnery Sergeant retired. Had to leave active service because my knee was blown out and never healed quite right. Damn IED in Afghanistan aided in that. Lost three men in that explosion.”

 

“I spent a great deal of time lost after that. Didn’t know what to do…what to feel. Felt as if I failed them. Honestly, I still feel that way. Oh, I know there was nothing I could have done, that there was no way I could know there was an IED, but that doesn’t stop the guilt I feel. My life changed that day in more ways than one.”

 

“So here I am today, doing what feels right. And that leads me to you. John, Dr. Grant, and I served together. Been friends for years and that man pulled me out of many dark places. So trust me when I say I have been there. I will not blow smoke up your ass and offer worthless platitudes.”

 

“You went through hell…still going through it in fact. But we can find a way through it together. You’re probably thinking that you don’t know me from Adam. That’s true, but I’ll tell you my stories and let you make up your own mind. I should warn you that I’m a stubborn ass and won’t give up easy.”

 

Looking over at the man, he smirked. “Think I’ll call you Tony; Commander DiNozzo is a mouthful. If you have an issue with that you can always speak up.” Jethro paused and raised his eyebrow waiting. “No, then Tony it is.”

 

“I joined the Marines right out of high school. From a small town in Pennsylvania, Stillwater. Didn’t want to work the mines and there wasn’t a whole lot of options and to be honest, I wanted the hell out of there. Never regretted that decision to join, love the Marines.”

 

“Saw a lot of things that I wish I hadn’t, did two tours in Iraq and then some Black Ops. I am a sniper and looking at your scores in Marksmanship you could give me a run for the money. Get you up on your feet maybe we can test that out.”

 

NCISNCISNCISNCISNCISNCISNCISNCISNCISNCISNCISNCISNCIS

“During my first tour in Iraq my team was captured by a group of insurgents. We were held for three weeks before we were found and rescued. There is no easy way back from that and you need to know there is no time line for you.”

 

“I lost three men during our captivity and I can tell you that that has never left me. I won’t lie, there are times that the memory of that time crashes down on me…feel like I can’t breathe, and I want nothing more than to reach in my damn brain and pull it out.”

 

“But through the years the memory holds less power over me and doesn’t incapacitate me like it did in the beginning. I had to learn how not to be my own worst enemy. Not easy when I take the blame of the world on my shoulders. Get the feeling you and I are a lot alike, won’t know that till you talk to me, but you’ll find that I am a very patient man. Had to be to be a sniper, so I can wait for you to catch up.”

 

Jethro spent the next week talking to Tony about anything and everything, weather, baseball, football his hobbies and his own military experiences. He was not surprised that there had been no response as of yet. Today he was going to try something different.

 

He had become such a fixture in Tony’s room that the rest of his team accepted him and had opened up to him. He had asked about their two brothers that had died during their captivity and explained that he wanted to bring them up during his time with their Commander.

 

And opened up they had. These men had served together from the beginning and it was cathartic for them to speak about the brothers they had lost. And as far as they were concerned if they could do anything to help their Commander, they would do it.

 

Smiling, he walked into Tony’s room. “Good morning Tony.” Grabbing his chair as was his habit he patted Tony’s leg. “Sun is shining today; need to get you up soon so we can take advantage of the court yard before the weather changes.”

 

“Up to you. I thought today we would talk about the two men that were lost. You have a great team Tony; your men have rallied around you. I talk to them just as I talk to you. Scott, Randy, and Jeff were able to share stories about Zach and Joe today. David, not yet, but he is coming to grips with everything.”

 

“I spent some time with him last night working on stuff. He’s a good man. Says a great deal about you actually; the respect and loyalty that you inspire shows what kind of man you are. You lead by example and strive to give your men everything they need.”

 

He paused to take a swig of his ever present coffee. “Might surprise you to know that I was not always this talkative. Was described once as a ‘functional mute’ and they were right. My dad could talk up a storm and I never saw a need to emulate that. Then my life changed and with that, I did. I wanted to help men that had gone through hell and came out the other side.”

 

I’m a Marine and we never leave a man behind. Wanted to give up for a while when they told me I couldn’t go back. It was my life, I needed to serve. Thank God for John. He slapped me upside my head and asked me how I could serve in other ways, what had I learned from my experiences; and then I saw it.”

 

“I could share with others like me. My first therapist tried his best, but he didn’t know anything about what I went through. No offense to him, but how could he understand watching a man, your man, be killed in front of you while they were laughing and chanting about Americans.”

 

Jethro took a deep breath to rein in his spiraling emotions so he could continue. “I knew that I was going to have to learn to open my mouth and use words.” Giving a bitter chuckle as he rubbed his hands down his face, “Took some time, but I know for a fact that this was the right choice for me. Not the easy choice by any means, but definitely the most worthwhile.”

 

“So as I dredge up your worst memory, the one you desperately want to forget, know that I have been there. I get it. The need to run, ignore, block - anything that you can do to get away from the pain, the loss and the darkness and the need for it all to disappear.”

 

“I can’t make that happen, wish I could, but I can get you to where you can see a pin prick of light and we can work our way to where the pain is something you can handle. Won’t be right away…gonna take a lot of work. But if I can do it you sure as hell can Tony.”

 

“I heard that Zach had a great sense of humor. Loved practical jokes and was great with knives. I think there is a story there and I hope to hear about that. And Joe was quiet but kept everyone on an even keel.”

 

“Saw a picture of your team together and can see the bond you all shared. Zach has-“ 

 

The noise of the phone hitting the wall and shattering paled in comparison to the sound of Tony’s voice.

 

“You do not get to talk about Zach. You know NOTHING about him.” His breath was ragged as his rage consumed him.

 

Jethro waved the nurse out, this was not the time to check his wellbeing. Tony needed to get it out and he had been reassured by John that he was healed enough for the fall out they knew was going to happen. He wasn't quite prepared for the rage over talking about one of his men however and apparently, he had stumbled on to a great deal of Tony’s issue. Now all he had to do was get him talking.

 

“Then tell me about him.”

 

If Tony had the ability to kill with his eyes Jethro would have been dead the minute the green orbs were turned on him.

 

“Why? What the fuck do you care? He’s dead.” The words were full of venom as they fell from Tony’s lips.

 

“Maybe because he meant something to you or because I am interested or because his name was the one thing that got you to speak. Any of those things could be a good reason to talk about him. Can you talk about him? Share something about Zach?” Jethro’s gut was telling him this was where he needed to start and that he needed to tread lightly.

 

Tony turned his head away from Jethro. “Can’t. Just go away...leave me the fuck alone.”

 

“Can’t do that Tony. And before you start, it has nothing to do with it being my job. I have spent two weeks talking to you, your men, reading about you and now I have a chance to get to talk to you, not at you. Hear what you want to share and to get to know the person. And I have no desire to leave you the fuck alone.”

 

“Have you been dealt a shitty hand? Absolutely. Does the pain seem endless? Yes. Does it seem that closing down would be easier? Of course it does. But you are better than that. I know that you can do this, you just have to take that first step.”

 

“No.”

 

“Why not?”

 

“Can’t….hurts.”

 

“Is it going to hurt less if you ignore it?”

 

“Yes, I won’t feel it.”

 

“No, Tony, that is not true. You’ll feel it, always - whether you talk about it or not.”

 

“No.”

 

“Yes. I ignored what happened for way too long. Buried it down and when it finally surfaced it nearly got me killed.”

 

“How?” Tony’s voice carried his disbelief.

 

“Found myself in a similar situation and froze. I was damn lucky I wasn’t killed. My men saw that I froze and John stepped up and took out the threat. I sought help right after that. Not too proud to admit that that scared the shit out of me. Could have gotten my men killed as well as myself and there is no excuse for that.”

 

“Wasn’t comfortable with any of the therapists or counselors, but I made it work. Made myself go and work it out. It wasn’t easy and there were days that I had to force myself to talk to anyone.”

 

“And you expect me to just open up because you have been there.” Tony sneered. “Because you experienced some sort of similar situation. You have no idea what I lost…what it felt like to watch my men tortured…and die.”

 

Jethro knew that he was going to need to combat Tony’s rage with his strength and power so he brought his gunny attitude to the forefront. “Don’t presume boy. I have watched just that. Lost three of my men after we were captured in Iraq.” Jethro stood up and walked to where he could get right in Tony’s face.

 

“I watched as Tom was repeatedly stabbed by one man and whipped by another. I felt every lash and every entry of the knife. Do NOT tell me I don’t understand your loss or your pain. Mine may be different and my own, but I sure as hell understand.”

 

Tony’s green eyes looked up to meet the icy blue stare and grasped the one fact that Jethro did indeed understand. But he was still not ready…and at this moment regardless of what Jethro said he felt like that was never going to happen.

 

“I’m sorry.” Tony managed to speak through gritted teeth. “You get it…I get it…but I still don’t want to talk about it.”

 

“What makes you think that I will accept that?”

 

Tony’s head whipped around in shock. “Because it’s my damn choice whether I talk or not. YOU CAN’T MAKE ME.”

 

“Want to try that again? I don’t think the nurses in the other ward heard you.”

 

Tony just sunk down in his bed and glared silently.

 

Jethro sat back in his chair and smirked. “Not to worry, I have the time.”

 

NCISNCISNCISNCISNCISNCISNCISNCISNCISNCISNCISNCIS

The silence from Tony continued for the next two days. He continued talking and sharing his own personal stories and pointing out repeatedly that he understood. Jethro was not giving up on this man, he just had to bide his time and wait for the outer shell to crack.

 

He knew what was going on in Tony’s head; guilt, rage, loss, pain and a whole slew of other emotions. Tony was fighting against them trying his best to keep it all locked up, buried to where they would never surface. It was a natural response to this depth of pain and loss and nearly everyone’s first response to dealing with it. Inevitably, something happens and everything that you worked so hard to lock away rushes to the surface with a vengeance incapacitating you. 

 

His goal was to make sure that Tony started dealing with this for his own wellbeing and safety before he was ever released from the hospital. Tony was a SEAL and with that distinction came a dangerous power as well as dangerous situations. Though he may not be going back in the field anytime soon, he needed to make sure that they covered all bases to prevent a meltdown that could cost Tony his life or that of his men.

 

He stood up to stretch and to get the blood flowing to his ass again when he heard the sigh. He knew two things right away; one- he wasn’t supposed to hear that and two- Tony was hoping that he was going to leave. 

 

“Not going anywhere Tony. Might as well get that thought right out of your head right now.”

 

Tony turned his head toward Jethro’s and glared. 

 

Jethro just smiled and sat back down deciding that since he had the man’s attention it was time to go forward and he knew just where he needed to start…the men he lost.

 

“Tell me something about Zach or Joe.”

 

“NO!”

 

“Why not? They seem like pretty great men to me.”

 

“You don’t know them. Don’t act like you do.” Tony seethed.

 

“Then tell me about them.”

 

“Can’t…won’t. They’re gone and talking won’t bring them back. So please leave me the hell alone.” The harshness of the words reverberated through the room.

 

“Sharing them Tony, keeps them with you. They don’t need to be locked away; you’re doing them a disservice.”

 

“What the hell do you know? Sure you lost men…I get that…but Zach…he…Zach…was…” Tony’s breaths were coming in gasps as he struggled to get the words out and keep a lid on the emotions that wanted to explode from his chest. “You couldn’t understand.”

 

Jethro watched Tony carefully as he struggled. “Make me understand, Tony.”

 

“Can’t…” Tony began to struggle to breathe. Jethro jumped up and grabbed Tony’s face gently locking eyes with the younger man.

 

“Breathe with me Tony…in…out. You can do it; I’ve got your six. In and out.” He continued to calm the younger man and his breathing began to return to normal. “You ok Tony?”

 

Nodding his head, Jethro’s hands fell from his face. Feeling lost he turned his head away knowing that everything he was feeling was at the surface fighting to break free and he couldn’t allow that. 

 

Jethro sensing that Tony was about to retreat started right up again. “So what was Zach like?”

 

“Don’t.”

 

“So he’s not worthy of being remembered and talked about?”

 

Tony’s green eyes shot daggers at the older man. “He was more than worthy. He was amazing.”

 

“But you are ashamed of him? Is that why you don’t want to talk about him?”

 

“I am not ashamed…you could never understand…he…he …and I were together. He was my everything. I had to watch what they did to him. I should have been able to stop them; no one should have had to endure that. I couldn’t save Zach or Joe. You have no idea what I lost that day.”

 

Tony’s rage broke through as everything began to pour from him. “I lost two men; both my best friends and one that meant more to me than you can understand. How could you understand losing someone you love? Losing men…it is something you never want to go through.”

 

“They’re your family…your brothers…and you feel their loss immensely. But Zach was more than that to me…we couldn’t tell everyone…but I was never ashamed of him.” He took deep breaths and whispered to himself. “Why couldn’t they have killed me…?”

 

“Tony, look at me. Would Zach have wanted that? Would he rather have watched you die? There is no better solution to that moment Tony. Both suck and both cause pain and neither solve anything. But you survived and you can’t discount that.”

 

“I have been there; I lost my wife and daughter. I would have given everything not to have been the one left alone and to have taken both of their places. But would that have helped anything? Shannon would have been devastated and Kelly lost. Is that any better? These situations are no win Tony.”

 

“My death would not have made anything better except for the fact that I would not have been the one left alone and in pain. Was it easy? Hell no. Do I still miss them and feel their loss? Yes…daily. But time helps. Baby steps, Tony and do not expect everything that you’re feeling to magically get better.”

 

“I also kept their memories alive, they deserved that. I would be doing them a disservice if I forgot them, they deserve more than that.”

 

“How?” Tony’s voice carried the anguish that he felt.

 

“Time. It will take time to work through that pain and find your way through. You need to accept there was nothing you could have done to prevent that. Your men know that and eventually you will as well.”

 

“I hate closing my eyes…I keep reliving every moment…every vivid image.”

 

“That will take a bit longer. But we’ll talk about it until it becomes more distant image and you can let that go. You can remember your men as they were, not in that place at that time. Every time that vision starts to force its way through, replace it with another. Not saying it is going to be easy and work each and every time, but I’ll teach you how to ride out the memories and get through them.”

 

“There will be good days and bad days and some days you want nothing more to hide away. All of that is ok, don’t expect the good or the bad just let it be and don’t fight it. The more I fought the memories the harder it was to cope.”

 

“What if I can’t return to service?”

 

“Then you find something else that you want to do and do that. Doesn’t make you any less if you can’t go back. But right now that isn’t even something you need to think or worry about. There is no timeline that has to be met. It is what it is. If you can just remember that you will get there.”

 

“It is what it is…I can do that…I think.”

 

NCISNCISNCISNCISNCISNCISNCISNCISNCISNCISNCIS

Tony looked at Jethro. “I feel good today. Different somehow.” Looking up into the sky, eyes closed as he let the sunlight touch his face. They had been having sessions at Tony’s new townhouse and were sitting outside enjoying the good weather.

 

“Been six months Tony and you have come a long way. You still happy with your decision?”

 

Tony nodded. “The damage to my back was more extensive than they had thought and I don’t have the same flexibility needed to go back into the field. Taking on SEAL training in Tactical Ops fits. I am still serving.”

 

“As long as it makes you happy Tony. How are your men?”

 

Tony snickered as he looked at Jethro. “Don’t ask that like you don’t already know. You talk to them all the time. You tell me how they are.”

 

Jethro’s blue eyes crinkled with laughter. “You got me. Scott said he’d be flying in tomorrow, has some sort of big news. Got a letter from Randy two days ago and he is settling in his position at NCIS. Hawaii is agreeing with him. And Jeff is as you know, on a new team and settling in, smartass.”

 

Tony grinned. 

 

“How do you feel about that?”

 

Tony thought for a moment. “I miss my men, but they needed to do what was right for them. We stay in touch; hell, my phone bill is through the roof. But I am proud of them; they had loss too, just different. Randy will be awesome at NCIS, the team that Jeff is on has a great rep and I have already sent the Commander a warning to watch his six. And Scott…well I think he is ready to settle down if my guess is right.”

 

“What about you Tony? You like where you’re heading?”

 

Tony nodded. “I feel relieved to have made it this far. For the first time I feel ready to move further forward in my life.”

 

“Family?” The minute that came out of his mouth Jethro was forced to acknowledge that he wasn’t ready to let go of the younger man, but that that might be best for all concerned. He had been pushing down his growing attraction for the soldier this past couple of months. As Tony came out of his shell and opened up, he found more and more in common with the younger man.

 

He had such a zest for life and found enjoyment in the smallest things. He knew that this could never be, he was his therapist for heaven’s sake. So he keep it professional and dreaded when they had to say goodbye knowing that he was going to lose more than he had bargained for.

 

It seemed that that time was upon them and there was no way to hold it back as much as he wanted to. How he had allowed this to happen he didn’t know. Where were his walls? His fail safes? But those thoughts fled from his mind when he looked over at Tony and waited for his answer.

 

“Not something I have ever thought about.” Tony chewed his bottom lip before he answered. “I have always loved both woman and men, but men allow me something that woman can’t. Strength. The ability to be free from having to worry about control. Does that make sense?”

 

“It does. Doesn’t mean that you still can’t have a family though.”

 

“True. Do you want kids again?” Tony needed to know where Jethro’s head was. The past few weeks he felt a spark of life open up every time they were together. That had scared the shit out of him at first and he fought it tooth and nail. All he could see was Zach’s face and felt like he was committing such a betrayal.

 

But then after he settled his thoughts down he thought about what Zach would have wanted and hiding from life wasn’t one of them. Moving forward was something that he had been doing, but this was a whole different step. He felt that this was too soon, that he was stomping on some sort of imaginary time line that you were supposed to observe. He did know better than most that life was way too short to waste and that Jethro was like no other. And to top it off, he had no true idea if Jethro even swung that way. Maybe all he saw was a broken SEAL…a patient and not a man.

 

“Not sure Tony. Never gave that much thought either.” Jethro swallowed.

 

Tony knew that he was going to have to make the next move and he was going in blind without any sort of tactical plan or retreat. But he felt like he was being pushed forward gently towards something and he did what any good SEAL would do and man up.

 

“Jethro…I don’t want to see you as a therapist anymore.” Holding up his hand to stop any interruptions, “Don’t even go there, and don’t try to tell me you have no clue. What I would like instead is to see you in a personal way…dating…each other. And before you say this is some sort of transference stop that train of thought before it even starts.”

 

“You are a pain in my ass and have forced me to look at all sorts of shit I had no desire to do. You’re stubborn and a damn Marine to boot. You are not a damn thing like Zach; he was more like me so there is no comparison. I have no illusions that if we do this it will be perfect.”

 

“Hell when we argue it will shake the rafters and then some. But we will have that passion in everything that we do; from work to the bedroom. We complement each other and if you’re willing to give it a try, it is something that I really want.”

 

Jethro looked at the younger man surprised at the words that he heard and knew that there was really no reason not to act on this. He could dwell on the could he or should he questions that were at the back of his mind, but in the end it all boiled down to taking a chance to have it all. Then when he looked into Tony’s green eyes, he saw that this was everything he wanted. Tony being a man didn’t matter. He had had a few experiences, nothing to write home about but he knew that was not going to be an issue.

 

“I know a really good therapist that works similar to me. Matter of fact he and I trained together…similar situations. That being said-“, taking a deep breath, “Are you sure Tony? If we do this, we’re gonna do it right and take it slow.”

 

The smile that lit up Tony’s face made the sun look dim. “That’s what I want Jethro. Everything.”

 

“Then are you free for dinner tonight?”


End file.
